hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
