The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
