I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
