I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
