i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
