Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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