I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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