he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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