NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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