I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
