i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
