did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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