remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
