so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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