I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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