I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
