I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
