Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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