A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
