There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
