im six kinds of drunk right now
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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