I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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