first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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