don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
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