There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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