she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
