If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
