The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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