I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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