i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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