HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just wanna soil my oats bro
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
And then my night got REAL pukey
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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