Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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