Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
