Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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