I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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