ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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