I don't usually arrange sex via text message
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
