a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
