Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i dont even know how to be here
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
