He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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