omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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