just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We are two peas in an std pod
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
