i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
