Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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