can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don't deserve a penis
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
