No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
