i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
