I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
