I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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