Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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