The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize