Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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