dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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