i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you win again, gameday.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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