Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
