call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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