Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize