god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
