Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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