I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
