the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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