Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
