She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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