How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize