he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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