My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
