I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
