R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
