So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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