i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
