Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
